…And how I am tackling it, one pound at a time

Let me tell you a little bit about my daily life.

Morning routine

Every day I avoid the mirror while I dress for work, making sure it is the very last thing I do. In the car on my way to work “Woman” by Kesha is blaring from the speakers at 7:30 am. I do this for two reasons:

1. I am the only female at my software job, and I need to tap into my inner badass to get through the day, and
2. At the same time I am promising myself that I am “going to eat better today, and make sure I go to bed hungry, stay under 1600 calories, say no to the donut, and not think that my coworkers don’t have any respect for me because I am fat and…”

I know what it feels like

You get the point. In fact, if you are reading this you likely struggle with these same issues. If so then welcome, and I am sorry, and I know your pain, and I hope you can get something out of this to help you.

My weight affects everything

Long story short, I am fat and it affects the entirety of who I am, who I associate with, my perceived respect or disrespect from friends, coworkers, children. Children are the worst (or best) and you know why? Because they aren’t trying protect your feelings, so they are always honest. Blasted tiny demons. Anyway. Obviously my weight has caused some medical issues- hello hypoglycemia and arthritis read this article about weight gain and arthritis

I can change this

I am always on the hunt for a dress that covers all of me but doesn’t look like a Russian circus tent (Anastasia throwback for all you millennials; we waited for a Dimitri to come along, and it just never happened). For five years I have been telling myself I will just “do better tomorrow” and like Glen Campbell said… tomorrow never comes. Not if I don’t get up off my arse and go for a freaking walk for Pete’s sake.

What caused this?

I am not kind to myself when it comes to my weight issues, especially since I began gaining weight after experiencing sexual assault in early 2020. Something happened where I lost complete control, so I have been trying to compensate by attempting to restrict my diet… because I can control that at least, to the point of me actually having an eating disorder. The binge eating is worse when I am more stressed, or if I think I have done a terrible job at work (which is usually every day. If you don’t like failing, and often, do not get a software job).

Note to reader: anorexia and bulimia are eating disorders, but binge eating is also included under the disorder banner. Some people call it compulsive eating disorder, which is also accurate

A neverending cycle(ahahah-ahahah-ahahah)

I don’t know how many times I have used the weight loss calculator online to determine how many pounds I would lose if I reduce my diet to 1600 calories, or 1400 calories, and how long it will take to lose 80 pounds, and so on. It’s an obsession. I feel like I can’t control anything, even my eating. It seems hopeless.

There is hope?

Yesterday I found a Youtuber who has given me a bit of inspiration to work harder at this weight loss thing, and not be so hard on myself. Her name is Carla, and this is her channel. She has a lovely Irish accent too. She talks about restricting calories to 1600, but.. and this is the big but(t), she walks 1 hour every day. 1 hour. Woof.

Change is not easy

I am truly afraid to start walking an hour every day. I know it is great exercise, but the whole idea of walking outside gives me pause. Why, you ask? I simply do not want anyone to see me. But, watching Carla’s videos is helping me to become more comfortable with the idea.

Here is my plan

• Plan my meals the night before, and plan where I will eat for lunch (my work offers a daily lunch allowance, so my coworkers and I usually eat out every day). 1600 calories is the goal.
  
• Get whatever snacks and meals I will be eating ready to go for the next day. Buying in bulk from Sam’s will help.
  
• Walk throughout the day so that it all adds up to an hour. I would prefer to do it all in one go, but I am trying to be realistic.
  
• Write a short post about where I succeeded, need to adjust, or gave in to cravings and why.
  
• Review each week and reflect on my overall progress.

I will check in tomorrow on my Change is Hard page. If you want to try this with me, I will make sure I allow comments on my daily posts. See you then!