6/5/2024

The one question a person who is overweight doesn’t want to hear…

When are you due?

If I had a nickel for every time this year that some geriatric asked me when I am due, I would have 6 nickels. My response to that most horrific of questions is always:
“No. I’m just fat.”

Being mean is pointless

And in the nastiest voice I can conjure. I’d like to say that makes me feel better, but the damage has already been done. Truly, this is a motivator to lose weight even faster; half of me wants to go eat 12 donuts and cry myself to sleep.

Seriously though, every single person who has asked me if I am pregnant is an older woman. I don’t go around asking if they are wearing diapers! It is the same concept from my point of view.

It doesn’t help if I gripe about it. It still happens, and it will forever happen. Well, that is about it for today, I think.

To be continued… on 6/6/2024

7/21/2024

Gosh I cannot keep up with anything these days. I am sure you noticed the date I was intending on actually writing this. To update on my weight loss journey, I have not lost one pound. Actually that isn’t true. I did lose 6 pounds, but then I gained it all back.

I am discouraged

This has been upsetting. I have not been able to follow through with my goals. I have been watching a Youtuber whose channel is called “Half of Carla“. She lost 180 pounds in 14 months by doing two things:

• Keeping her daily caloric intake to 1600 calories
• Walking 1 hour every single day

Can I actually do this?

How can I be consistent and finally lose the wieght I gained when I was dealing with my mental health issues? Oh. Wait.

I need to focus on my mental health and how to fix the problem, not the symptoms of my overeating. I know this is wht needs to be done. Since my assault I have felt out of control of my emotions. When I binge eat, I feel like I am in control. But I am not.

33 ways to break free..?

I am currently in my local library, and pretty much am willing to try anything at this point. There is a book, called 33 ways to break free from binge eating by Nia Shanks. I am starting this book today. Tomorrow, I will check in as to how it is going. I got this. You do too.

7/29/2024

Over the weekend, my work had a profitability retreat in the big city. Max and I basically threw our diet to the wind and when-in-Rome’d it. It didn’t help that my work coordinated a 4 course meal which consisted of a goat cheese and beet salad, a creamy mushroom soup, chicken and filet entree (both! both meats!), and a dessert trio. I mean, come on.

I came, I ate..

Fat me was in heaven. Wait, that is regular me. I was in heaven. Nope, I need to be nice to myself. The too-long-didn’t-read version is that I had a work retreat and I came. I ate. I conquered. All the plates.

We fast forward to today, and I am going to try my best to chill on the eating a little bit. Max is out of town on a business trip, so I have the house to myself for four days. There will defiinitely be some walkpad TV moments. When he is not home it is so much easier for me to eat healthy. Perhaps the reason for that is baking is my love language.

I like to bake, a lot

Just yesterday I made blueberry scones for Max’s trip. Suuuuure, for Max’s trip. We all know I made them only half for him. Emotional overeaters who love to bake like to make excuses for why they are baking those cookies or those jam cookies or that two-tiered chocolate lemon cake with sprinkles.

7/30/24

Yesterday I went to bed hungry, and did not get up in the middle of the night and sleep-eat. This is a surprise to me. Normally when I go to bed hungry I either end up eating tortilla chips, unbeknownst to me until I see the crumbs in bed. It used to be much worse; I would get dressed for work, step onto the porch… right onto a Domino’s pizza box full of pizza that I had forgotten I ordered. Ordering pizza in my sleep was about as low as I could go with my eating issues.

Say something nice

Today I need to say something I like about myself. I can do it. Okay, here it goes:

I like my eyes and lips. I think they are pretty.

There I did it. A Webtoon comic I am reading has a female character whose Welsh boss makes her say something she likes about herself every day before starting work. I am going to keep doing it. The comic is utter smut, though. It’s basically one step down from Hentai (Let’s Play is the name, if you like aforementioned smut).

One hour walk

Okay I have not walked an hour yet today. I am at 12 minutes so far. Walking an hour would be so much easier if I could peel myself out of bed at 5 a.m. This is highly unlikely; sleep is my favorite thing on this planet.

In fact, I am going to wager not many people like sleep as much as I do. I could be wrong. Either way, I know I need to change that. Oversleeping is unhealthy, especially for someone who is trying to lose weight like myself.

Baby steps. I will check in tomorrow (and hopefully actually follow through with it).

8/3/2024

I have no inspiration to write today. Yesterday at work was so frustrating, and I am depressed to the point I don’t even want to eat. If I am too depressed to eat that I have bypassed wanting to binge eat, there is an issue. A big issue. Carla from “Half of Carla” says you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, and I think I am starting to know what she is talking about.
I recognize that eating is how I cope with depression and stress. Being hyper aware of this, I currently have not planned for an alternate outlet for my emotions.

8/3/2024

Yesterday I went to the library and my all-encompassing thought was:

Today I am not going to give in to my cravings for sugar

Well, guess how that one turned out. I will tell you. I was still upset about work on Friday and I kept getting more and more panicked. More and more I felt like I was going to brrak down sobbing right there in the middle of the library; I had to leave.

So, I drove around town and told myself “everything is ok. You can do this. You don’t need anything sweet to eat. Just go home”.

And I failed myself. I grew so anxious, panicked and upset that I thought about driving my car high speed into a tree. I sat there in my Honda, staring at the tree in the cemetary that I had picked out for this purpose. Then I had a realization:

nothing I eat or think about eating should make me feel like this.

I left the cemetary and I got myself some gosh-danged ice cream. Then I went home and told Max about everything through eyes flooded with tears and a runny nose. I told him about the tree I had picked out, and how the day just got more and more awful, and I can’t do it on my own. Then he said something I did not expect.

“I have failed you. I’m your husband and I should be your partner, and the one to support you and help you, and I’m sorry. I will help you get through this.”

I was in shock. I bawled my eyes out. He made me get my workout clothes on, and we went for an hour walk. I was upset the entire time, and I wanted to just give up and crawl into the sewer and die. He made me walk an hour. Then he held me and said:
“I know it’s hard. I get it. We will get you through this, and we will make good choices, together.”

Talk about an emotional roller coaster. Yesterday was so much. Today seems surreal in comparison.